


A lifetime ago

by orphan_account



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Gen, Pre-Series Dean Winchester, Trans Dean Winchester, female to male dean winchester
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-08
Updated: 2020-08-08
Packaged: 2021-03-05 18:55:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,300
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25790200
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Deanna Winchester knows something isn't quite right about her body but has never really known what.She has to go throught it all alone...right?
Kudos: 77





	A lifetime ago

**Author's Note:**

> The idea for this came to me in a dream, not necessarily as PG...  
> I promised myself I would not write ever again so I am really rusty but I feel like this is good enough to share. Set before the series.  
> And please, before you come screaming at me at the inaccuracy and simplification of the story, please understand that this is largely based on my experience and coming to terms with it. I am sorry if I cannot reflect the true complexity of it all in less than 3000 words.

The first time she realized something was off was when Sam was born.

A _boy,_ what a concept.

She could see how dad’s eyes lit up whenever he saw Sam, little baby Sammy, his _son._

Deanna was far too young to understand what it meant, that wave of jealousy that went way past no longer being the only child at home. She was curious about everyone’s behavior, even before Sam was born everyone seemed so excited, treated her differently even then. A Winchester _boy_ to carry the name, to take care of everything.

What the hell did that mean?

Then mom died and she did not have time to think about it anymore, not when she needed to take care of her brother.

*-*-*

She became aware of it again the first time she missed a werewolf and almost got dad killed.

She had been terrified, hands shaking, every sense in her body telling her to run but knowing she had a duty to fulfil. She shot and missed by a few millimeters, missed just enough to get a nasty injury, and get dad one of his own. He had to finish the job himself.

Deanna had been 10.

Once they were back in the car, having caught their breath, the adrenaline slowly leaving and making the small aches so much more noticeable, dad had smiled and shook his head.

“You know, Dee? I thought you were prepared this time, we have been practicing extra hours and all but I – I guess it may be better if you just stay with Sam and learn other skills for now.”

Deanna frowned, genuinely confused. She expected dad to scream, to teach her a lesson, promise to make her work harder like he always threatened.

“What other skills?” She asked.

“Well… maybe it’s time you learn to cook for us, you are the only gal in the family, and I have been making you do all the men’s work. Sammy is far too young to go hunting yet, but soon –“

“Dad please! You’re the first one to tell me that it doesn’t matter if you’re a boy or a girl as long as you know how to handle this. I missed, dad, and I’m sorry, but please don’t punish me like that.” Deanna interrupted, feeling so much rage it surprised her, she felt like shooting something.

The irony.

“Dee, it’s not a punishment and it won’t be permanent. I need you to have the skills necessary to deal with this mean, bad world. I just think – I just think it’s best if we take a break for a while, okay?”

“No, dad! It’s not okay. I can work harder, get stronger, I _can_ do this! Just give me another chance to prove that I can and – “

“Enough Deanna! I need you to take care of Sam and that’s final. Do you understand?”

Dad was no longer smiling. Dee felt the familiar sting of tears forming in her eyes, held them back as this was no time to show dad any sort of weakness.

“I understand.” She said, finally, knowing full well she didn’t really have a choice.

They did not speak again for the rest of the ride home.

She tried not to resent Sam, but it was tough. She wanted to be out there, fighting monsters and demons and spirits and dad expected her to learn how to make pancakes? She could fire all sorts of guns, create devil’s traps, knew how to take down creatures three times her size and now she had to baby-sit?

It was indeed a mean, bad world.

She was back on the hunt within a month, so she let it slide, but at least now she had a clear picture of what dad really thought of her.

-*-*-*

The problem had never been the clothes or the looks. Deanna was raised a hunter and that didn’t really leave much room for nice skirts or high-heeled boots. Knowing how much they moved around, how dirty and bloody things could get, long hair had never been an option. She had been mistaken for a boy many times in her life and she was fine with that, everyone seemed to like boys better anyway.

But then she turned 13 and changes started happening. She was very fit to start with, which meant that although breasts and hips developed it was nothing too noticeable.

The blood freaked her out, but dad’s explanation had sent her over the edge of panic. She did not want to hear her father talk about her “lady bits” ever again.

Ever.

Sam was too young and it was not like he could understand what was happening to her, even if he tried.

She was alone, she had no one to talk to about the changes, much less about the truly horrible thoughts she had every time she saw herself in a mirror.

This wasn’t how it was meant to be, this body was all wrong.

She became more fit, cut her hair shorter, started wearing jeans and shirts a few sizes too big.

She never looked at her body in the mirror unless it was necessary, and very few things short of a gun shot or a stab wound were considered necessary.

She knew if she looked she’d fall into the dark void, she’d give into the voices in her head.

Something was wrong about this body.

*-*-*

Deanna finally understood what was happening the first time she walked in on Sam showering.

Sam had gone through an insane growth spurt over the summer, went from a silly looking teen with limbs too long for his body to a built, handsome promise of a man.

Also, how could anyone be that tall?

It wasn’t until Dee saw him under the water, the way the muscles on his back looked, no breasts but instead a toned chest, remarkable abs and lower down –

“Dee! What the hell?!” Sam finally shouted, covering himself as much as possible.

Dee blinked once, swallowed, then finally her rational brain kicked in.

“Sorry! I thought you were – I had to… I – I’m sorry!!!” She slammed the door shut as fast as humanly possible.

She was sure they would giggle about it later, blame it on the shock of her little brother in the shower.

But for now, she had to remind herself to keep breathing so she wouldn’t pass out.

She finally had it, why her body felt all wrong, paid attention to the voices in her head.

‘I’m not meant to be Deanna…’ Kept running over and over in her mind. ‘… and that’s okay.’

*-*-*-

The next time dad asked Sam to do some research for an upcoming hunt, Dee volunteered to go instead. Questioning eyes stared back, but she made some excuse about being too tired for other errands due to hormones.

That always worked, no more questions asked.

When she arrived at the library, she ignored the usual myths and religions sections and went for biology and psychology instead.

It was difficult to find but she had searched for much tougher subjects at a much younger age, so when she came upon the definition, cross-referenced, read about previous and current diagnoses and treatments she was thrilled, joyful and a little terrified.

Dee wasn’t crazy nor alone and based on the literature, she wasn’t possessed or haunted either.

Dee could breathe for the first time in what felt like a lifetime.

She had a lot to plan and think about, but for now she needed to head to other sections of the library.

They were on a hunt after all.

*-*-*

When Sam left for Stanford, leaver his big sister had been the absolute worst.

He missed her every single day and it only got worst when she stopped answering his calls. Texts were just not the same.

‘At least she’s okay…’ he’d tell himself every time he received a text or an email, finally letting all of the tension leave his body, he was always worried sick that this time something finally got her.

It was not like Sam thought Dee couldn’t handle herself, over the years she’d become the most skilled hunter he’d ever met, even if that hurt dad’s pride. Still, after all the things he had seen out there, knowing how much of her life Dee had given away to take care of him… He just worried.

He tried to call Dee on her birthday, got sent straight to voicemail ever time. He wanted to call dad just to make sure Dee got the message on time, but he just couldn’t bring himself to do that, not yet.

He waited for three days and got no reply, no calls going through, that’s when he thought about calling dad for real, was about to dial when there was a knock on his door.

He blinked once, twice, three times. Pinched himself to make sure this was not a dream.

This person looked like Deanna, but the face was much more squared, boyish, and was that stubble?

“Dee?” Sam finally asked, confused, excited.

“It’s Dean, now.” The person replied, his voice so deep it _hurt_ as it was so unfamiliar. “Hi, Sammy. Can we talk?”

Sam knew it had been too long when he saw how panicked Dee- _Dean_ looked.

“Of course! Sorry, I’m just – I …” Sam started as Dean walking into his room.

“It’s a lot I know… but it felt wrong to tell you over the phone and I didn’t want you to not go to college over something like this.” Dean sounded apologetic, a tinge of fear in his voice. Sam knew him too well.

“Something like what?”

There was a long pause, both of them sat on Sam’s bed, next to each other. Unmoving, tense.

“Something like ‘I’m trans and I’m your brother, now.’” Dean replied, sarcasm in his voice, the fear more noticeable this time.

“How long?” Was all Sam could ask a few minutes later, unsure on how to formulate his questions without making Dean feel uncomfortable.

“I guess I’ve known for a few years, but I waited until you left to avoid any drama.”

“Drama?”

Dean stood up, deciding that showing him may be more straightforward.

He undid his shirt, showing Sam the scars on his chest, the only sign there was that he had been someone else in a different life.

Sam stared at the scars, knowing full well that only a surgeon could leave something so precise.

“You had surgery?” Sam was once again at a loss for words.

Dean took a deep breath.

“Yes Sammy, I also take hormones so I can look like –“ He just pointed at his face and body instead of continuing with the sentence.

Sam could see it now, all of him was much more squared not just his face. He supposed that explained the voice as well. Sam went back to the scars and felt a tear down his cheek. That was not supposed to happen.

Dean panicked, closed his shirt immediately. There it was… the drama.

“Sammy, I’m sorry. Please don’t cry, I’m still me I promise. Please don’t hate me.”

Sam looked up, shocked.

“Hate you?”

Dean was crying now, too, nervous. “I know it’s a lot and I’m not giving you a lot of time to process but I –“

“Dean, are you happy?”

“What?”

Sam smiled and shook his head. “Are you happy?”

Dean stared back for a few seconds. No one had ever asked him that before.

“I’ve never felt so free in my life.”

Sam smiled wider before pulling his big brother in for a hug.

Dean gasped, genuinely shocked.

“You should have called me, jerk. Asked me to be there for the surgery, why didn’t you?” Sam’s words were gentle, not angry.

Dean was finally able to breathe again.

“I didn’t want you to worry about me.”

Sam just laughed at that, harder than he had in months.

“You have been out on hunts with dad since you were six and you thought I’d worry about surgery? Do you know how worried I got when you stopped answering my calls?”

Dean supposed that was true and had to join Sam in laughter.

Once they were able to stop, Sam frowned.

“How did dad take it?”

Dean took in another deep breath and shook his head. “He didn’t get it at first, said it was his fault for raising me like he did.”

Classic dad, Sam thought.

“But then he went on a hunt with Bobby, both returned pretty beat up and dad just told me he always wanted two sons anyway.” Dean shrugged.

Sam knew that was more than enough coming from John Winchester.

“I’m happy for you.”

Dean felt the familiar sting of tears on his eyes, he let a single tear run down his cheek, knowing that Sam would not see that as weakness.

“Yeah yeah,” he shrugged as he wiped away the tear, “so are you going to show me around or what? I haven’t got all week, you know.”

Sam smiled as he got up, he had so much to say to Dean, how proud he felt, truly happy. But, he also understood that a beer and cheeseburger could convey the feeling just as much.

“Let’s go grab something to eat.”

Dean stood up and walked towards the door, stopping only when he heard Sam call out his name. He turned around to see his little brother.

“Please don’t hide anymore. I will always be here for you, okay brother?” Sam knew that Dean knew his every expression, could read him like a book, knew he didn’t need to say anything else ever.

Dean felt all the tension in his body leaving, tension he didn’t even know he was holding onto.

He had never been alone, not really.


End file.
